A good chat with my wife this morning has brought me to write a few lines on the topic. I was meant to write something on this some time ago, but al hamdulil'Allah, I am doing it finally today.
It is very important to enter the Marriage with the right niyyah (intention) and renew this often.
Once they have both, they devote their life to this sole purpose, but when something turns other than what was expected, such as the husband marrying another one, or divorcing, or having an affair (may Allah Protect us from this), the life of such wife collapses, she becomes bitter and all of a sudden, the husband that was once her reference, becomes the most hated person that she knows with an endless list of flaws.
Very often, an individual (woman or man) forget that this life is full of tests. One way or another, Allah Would certainly test each one of us just He (SWT) said in this holy Quran Surah "Al Baqarah" - [155-157]:
وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ
Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere,
الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُوا إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ
Who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return":-
أُولَـٰئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ ۖ وَأُولَـٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ
They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance.
The people say, "O Allah's Apostle! We saw you taking something from your place and then we saw you retreating." The Prophet replied, "I saw Paradise and stretched my hands towards a bunch (of its fruits) and had I taken it, you would have eaten from it as long as the world remains. I also saw the hell-fire and I had never seen such a horrible sight. I saw that most of the inhabitants were women." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! Why is it so?" The Prophet replied, "Because of their ungratefulness." It was asked whether they are ungrateful to Allah. The Prophet said, "They are ungrateful to their companions of life (husbands) and ungrateful to good deeds. If you are benevolent to one of them throughout the life and if she sees anything (undesirable) in you, she will say, 'I have never had any good from you.' " (Sahih Bukhari, Book #18, Hadith #161)
Reading some of the blogs on internet, it is interesting (and sad) to note that some of the sisters are falling in the trap, and can only enumerate a full list of negative characters of their husbands, just like these persons never did any good to them (note the word "never").
This is particularly true if such sister saw her husband marrying another woman. It is more sad to note the different comments of "support" that other sisters offer, very few of them are sustained by Quran or Hadith.
Aren't we commanded to always testify the truth even if it is against our own selves? how can some people try to comfort a distressed person by trying to please her/him rather than pleasing Allah first? No, we must testify of the truth always, even if it is against our own self, or parents, or close relative, just as the command of Allah (SWT) in Surah "Al Nisaa, [ 135]:
And also in Surah Al Maidah [8]:
Years ago, when I wanted to marry my second wife, I asked our Imam in Aberdeen for his advice. He told me a phrase that still remains in my heart today, he told me: "you have to know that if you are going to marry another one, then this is a halal of Allah, this is a Sunnah, and you are certainly not doing anything wrong".
It is true, this is a halal of Allah, I do not see why are people trying to make it a crime today if one wants to marry another woman. It is abnormal to see all this animosity towards a man trying to take another one, making it like it was so unfair to his first wife etc, just as if the first wife had a veto to decide on the future of her husband.
Of course, one should have the means to do it, and if any brother reading these lines here is studying the possibility of marrying another one, then let me tell you that again: "This is a halal of Allah, if you really have the means to do it, then fear no one in the rights of Allah. Make sure you make your salat istikhara, then take your final decision, make tawakkul onto Allah and move ahead. Try to be as fair and just between the wives, provide each with her means, fear Allah and do not be unjust to anyone. Enter this marriage with the right niyyah (intention), and things should just be fine.
As of women who then threaten to divorce if the husband takes another one, then let it be. I have always told my first wife during the early stages of my Polygamy life that between a halal of Allah and you, who do you think I will chose? Let us be us, let just be who we are, just Muslim men and women, husband and wife, let us respect each others, and not keep blames and disputes for a halal of Allah.
Of course, there has been initial storms at home, but let me highlight it again to any reader here: I just did not give any heed to whatever people said or did, including my own first wife. I put Allah above and beyond anyone else, pleases whom it pleases, and displeases whom it displeases. It was my life and of course, my destiny. Nothing is to happen to us that has not been already written in books kept with Allah. I knew I could handle two families, I had the physical and financial means, al hamdulil'Allah, it is not a crime and has never been one either.
As for the people who opened wide their mouths in criticism, enough for them to know that one day, they will certainly be asked about their reaction to a halal that Allah has written in His Quran.
When I look back at the whole situation today, I can only thank Allah that He allowed me to marry another wife and to practice this Sunnah. There has been much more advantages and blessings in a second marriage than has been inconveniences.
Today, things have settled al hamdulil'Allah, I am so Thankful to Allah for all of this.
History proved also that the ones who tried to "advise" my wife during her difficult times were not really "true advisers". What I always told her proved to be true and she could check it with her own eyes over time.
So my end message to my sisters in Islam is the following; if your husband takes another one, then just beware that the people around you who are advising you will be the first ones to drop you and leave you alone once you will have no husband left with you. It seems that the sole purpose of many people around us is to help break relations (working under the commands of who?). As they see one of their friends drowning, they often push the distressed person deeper into the water instead of offering a rescuing hand. And when the distressed person is really buried deep in sorrow and not able to surface again, they will just leave her/him alone, with a sense of mission accomplished...
Bottom line, stick to Allah, and seek only to please Him. If you have a test in your life, ask Allah for Help and ask no one else. Do not go too deep into philosophy and handle the matters with strength and clear mind. You will only be wasting your time crying and moaning on matters that you have no control of. The soonest you go back to surface, the soonest your boat will float again. If you face a storm, then be sure that this won't be the last one in your life. Keep the boat steering in the right direction. Life if short, be thankful to Allah to whatever blessings you might have. Think that many ones out there are completely deprived from so many blessings you already have.
"and be content/satisfied with whatever shares Allah Gave you, and you will be the richest person"
Why do we marry?
To most of us, marriage is about a worshiping act, this is half of the religion.
By getting married a person can, with the help of Allaah, overcome many of the traps of evil, for marriage helps him to lower his gaze and guard his chastity, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said in the hadeeth, “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding chastity…” Agreed upon.
Al-Haakim narrated in al-Mustadrak from Anas, in a marfoo’ report: “Whomever Allaah blesses with a righteous wife, He has helped him with half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.”
It is very important to enter the Marriage with the right niyyah (intention) and renew this often.
Is marriage the ultimate life purpose?
Is marriage the ultimate life purpose? It seems that for many women, the life purpose is to become a wife and a mother.Once they have both, they devote their life to this sole purpose, but when something turns other than what was expected, such as the husband marrying another one, or divorcing, or having an affair (may Allah Protect us from this), the life of such wife collapses, she becomes bitter and all of a sudden, the husband that was once her reference, becomes the most hated person that she knows with an endless list of flaws.
Very often, an individual (woman or man) forget that this life is full of tests. One way or another, Allah Would certainly test each one of us just He (SWT) said in this holy Quran Surah "Al Baqarah" - [155-157]:
وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ
Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere,
الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُوا إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ
Who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return":-
أُولَـٰئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ ۖ وَأُولَـٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ
They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance.
Marriage is an important part of our life, but it should not be the "ultimate" purpose for us as a Muslims. If we put our life purpose as worshiping Allah (to the best we could), then it would make all the other matters fall in to their relevant places.
Ungratefulness of a wife towards her husband
Bukhari reports in the following part of Hadith:The people say, "O Allah's Apostle! We saw you taking something from your place and then we saw you retreating." The Prophet replied, "I saw Paradise and stretched my hands towards a bunch (of its fruits) and had I taken it, you would have eaten from it as long as the world remains. I also saw the hell-fire and I had never seen such a horrible sight. I saw that most of the inhabitants were women." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! Why is it so?" The Prophet replied, "Because of their ungratefulness." It was asked whether they are ungrateful to Allah. The Prophet said, "They are ungrateful to their companions of life (husbands) and ungrateful to good deeds. If you are benevolent to one of them throughout the life and if she sees anything (undesirable) in you, she will say, 'I have never had any good from you.' " (Sahih Bukhari, Book #18, Hadith #161)
Reading some of the blogs on internet, it is interesting (and sad) to note that some of the sisters are falling in the trap, and can only enumerate a full list of negative characters of their husbands, just like these persons never did any good to them (note the word "never").
This is particularly true if such sister saw her husband marrying another woman. It is more sad to note the different comments of "support" that other sisters offer, very few of them are sustained by Quran or Hadith.
Aren't we commanded to always testify the truth even if it is against our own selves? how can some people try to comfort a distressed person by trying to please her/him rather than pleasing Allah first? No, we must testify of the truth always, even if it is against our own self, or parents, or close relative, just as the command of Allah (SWT) in Surah "Al Nisaa, [ 135]:
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُونُوا قَوَّامِينَ بِالْقِسْطِ شُهَدَاءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوْ عَلَىٰ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَوِ الْوَالِدَيْنِ وَالْأَقْرَبِينَ ۚ إِن يَكُنْ غَنِيًّا أَوْ فَقِيرًا فَاللَّهُ أَوْلَىٰ بِهِمَا ۖفَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا الْهَوَىٰ أَن تَعْدِلُوا ۚ وَإِن تَلْوُوا أَوْ تُعْرِضُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًا
O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even though it be against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, be he rich or poor, Allah is a Better Protector to both (than you). So follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you avoid justice; and if you distort your witness or refuse to give it, verily, Allah is Ever Well-Acquainted with what you do.
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُونُوا قَوَّامِينَ لِلَّهِ شُهَدَاءَ بِالْقِسْطِ ۖ وَلَا يَجْرِمَنَّكُمْ شَنَآنُ قَوْمٍ عَلَىٰ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا ۚ اعْدِلُوا هُوَ أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ ۖ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ
O you who believe! Stand out firmly for Allah as just witnesses; and let not the enmity and hatred of others make you avoid justice. Be just: that is nearer to piety; and fear Allah. Verily, Allah is Well-Acquainted with what you do.
I am polygamous, so what?
It is true, this is a halal of Allah, I do not see why are people trying to make it a crime today if one wants to marry another woman. It is abnormal to see all this animosity towards a man trying to take another one, making it like it was so unfair to his first wife etc, just as if the first wife had a veto to decide on the future of her husband.
Of course, one should have the means to do it, and if any brother reading these lines here is studying the possibility of marrying another one, then let me tell you that again: "This is a halal of Allah, if you really have the means to do it, then fear no one in the rights of Allah. Make sure you make your salat istikhara, then take your final decision, make tawakkul onto Allah and move ahead. Try to be as fair and just between the wives, provide each with her means, fear Allah and do not be unjust to anyone. Enter this marriage with the right niyyah (intention), and things should just be fine.
As of women who then threaten to divorce if the husband takes another one, then let it be. I have always told my first wife during the early stages of my Polygamy life that between a halal of Allah and you, who do you think I will chose? Let us be us, let just be who we are, just Muslim men and women, husband and wife, let us respect each others, and not keep blames and disputes for a halal of Allah.
"Your husband of today is the same one of yesterday, and the same one of tomorrow"
These are the words I told my first wife when I married my second one. I also took my children and told them in these words: "Listen, you dad has done nothing wrong, your dad of today, is the same one of yesterday and will be the same one tomorrow. Nothing has changed in us, it is just that dad has now another wife".Of course, there has been initial storms at home, but let me highlight it again to any reader here: I just did not give any heed to whatever people said or did, including my own first wife. I put Allah above and beyond anyone else, pleases whom it pleases, and displeases whom it displeases. It was my life and of course, my destiny. Nothing is to happen to us that has not been already written in books kept with Allah. I knew I could handle two families, I had the physical and financial means, al hamdulil'Allah, it is not a crime and has never been one either.
As for the people who opened wide their mouths in criticism, enough for them to know that one day, they will certainly be asked about their reaction to a halal that Allah has written in His Quran.
When I look back at the whole situation today, I can only thank Allah that He allowed me to marry another wife and to practice this Sunnah. There has been much more advantages and blessings in a second marriage than has been inconveniences.
Today, things have settled al hamdulil'Allah, I am so Thankful to Allah for all of this.
History proved also that the ones who tried to "advise" my wife during her difficult times were not really "true advisers". What I always told her proved to be true and she could check it with her own eyes over time.
So my end message to my sisters in Islam is the following; if your husband takes another one, then just beware that the people around you who are advising you will be the first ones to drop you and leave you alone once you will have no husband left with you. It seems that the sole purpose of many people around us is to help break relations (working under the commands of who?). As they see one of their friends drowning, they often push the distressed person deeper into the water instead of offering a rescuing hand. And when the distressed person is really buried deep in sorrow and not able to surface again, they will just leave her/him alone, with a sense of mission accomplished...
Bottom line, stick to Allah, and seek only to please Him. If you have a test in your life, ask Allah for Help and ask no one else. Do not go too deep into philosophy and handle the matters with strength and clear mind. You will only be wasting your time crying and moaning on matters that you have no control of. The soonest you go back to surface, the soonest your boat will float again. If you face a storm, then be sure that this won't be the last one in your life. Keep the boat steering in the right direction. Life if short, be thankful to Allah to whatever blessings you might have. Think that many ones out there are completely deprived from so many blessings you already have.
"and be content/satisfied with whatever shares Allah Gave you, and you will be the richest person"
